What is love?
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
Friedrich NietzscheThere's one question to which I reject every answer but my own.
We tend to romanticize unrequited love, grievances and all, as the truest kind. Think of Goethe's Werther, or Shakespeare's Orsino pining after Olivia.
I wholeheartedly disagree.
For true love to flourish, it must be mutual.
And for that to happen, one can say that the planets and stars must truly align.
You will perhaps fall in love with one or two people in your entire lifetime. It is THAT rare.
Individuals are unique, forged by countless social and genetic circumstances. Finding one who truly fits you is extremely uncommon.
And finding them is only half the battle. Building a partnership that works is just as hard. Both sides must be willing to compromise. If one gives and the other doesn't, no matter how deep the metaphorical bond, it breaks. Without admiration, trust and kindness, the fascination fades and resentment grows.
True love moves beyond chemistry. It is more spiritual than it is carnal (it's both).
It's not possession. It's actually free, mutual and selfless.
Is there always pain in love? Most definitely. But this is not a bad thing per se.
Look at it this way. When you love (romantically or platonically), your emotional range expands in both directions: your capacity for happiness grows, but so does your capacity for sadness.
The highs are higher, and the lows are lower. It's a tradeoff, but nothing in this universe is truly free.
It's up to you to decide if the higher highs of having someone you love in your life are worth the lower lows. First it's going to be your spouse. Some days are hard. You will go through rough patches.
Then your kids. Your capacity for happiness will grow exponentially. However, their life won't be scuff-free, so your capacity for sadness grows with it. Uncomfortable things will happen, but that is life.
I believe that at some point love becomes so powerful that it outweighs its grievances, so it is indeed worth it.
This isn't limited to romantic and familial love either. Platonic relationships will give you hard times too, but I'm focusing on the first two.
In short, love is not merely desire for another person. It is not possession.
(Romantic) Love is when two people are fascinated by each other, and consciously decide to let down all guards. To let go of the chains of the past. To be so kind to each other and to accept the other's shortcomings. To find the strength to build.
Keywords: respect, kindness, and admiration. A partner must not "complete" you, but make you greater than the sum of your parts.
So, my dear reader.
What is love really?
- Love is mutual fascination. Emphasis on mutual. If it's not mutual, it's not love.
- There can be mutual infatuation, but that isn't necessarily conducive to love. "Directly after copulation, the devil's laughter is heard." – Arthur Schopenhauer
- Love is rare. You will not get the opportunity to fall in love too many times in your lifetime, so value it when it happens.
- Love is hard. Not only is it rare, it requires gargantuan effort from both sides: compromise, giving and taking, trust and honesty, and most of all, compassion.
- Love is free. When you're truly in love you want what's best for them. You must be willing to let go of the things you love if it's for their own good.
- There is always pain in love. Remember, your highs and lows are both amplified. It's a feature not a bug.
- There is always madness in love, and reason in madness.
Madness because there are things you simply cannot comprehend. You cannot pinpoint the why behind the fascination. And you're willing to overcome the hurdles, no matter how difficult they appear. No matter how delusional.
Reason because, while you can't always factually and logically explain your love for someone, you can identify, intellectually, what you gain from it.
Love is at first mutual fascination, then an everyday choice to keep it alive. The fascination is the spark. It requires luck and happenstance.
The everyday choice is work. It requires compassion, trust and a bit of madness, as it goes beyond reason.
What you want is to find someone who makes you strive to be your very best, and to surpass yourself every day.
Accept their shortcomings, nobody is perfect or ever will be, respect them and cherish them.
Show up and be kind. No matter how hard it is. One caveat: your compassion and kindness must be returned.
Live with your heart open, even if it hurts.
