The only Lisbon guide you'll ever actually use

The tram is a trap

Everyone photographs the 28. Nobody enjoys the 28. Walk the hill instead, arrive sweating, and reward yourself somewhere the locals have clearly never once considered a tourist.

"The uglier the tiles, the better the wine. I don't make the rules."

Where to eat

Any room where the fluorescent light is unkind and the fish came in that morning. If there is a laminated menu with photographs, keep walking.